There is the assumption that a happy face means a happy person or a happy home. And sometimes you fake it so much that the lines get blurred between what is real and what hurts. Time and time again you hold yourself up, forgiving out of love, out of the hope for better. But you see forgiving is no good if you can’t forget. To not-forget means that you have not allowed yourself the time to experience the emotions, feel them, and let them out. Even if that means crying or screaming or creating.
I just feel exhausted. I’m one of those ‘superwoman’ personalities… I want to fix everything on my own. When any close person is feeling whatever negative way I want to fix the situation for them – and for the most part that means huge sacrifices on my part; mentally, emotionally, sometimes financially. I’m a fixer. I make people better – that’s what I do. That is what makes my heart beat. But I’m exhausted.
There is so much going on in my head, it’s loud with past hurts screaming, present conflictions burning and the hope for better drowning. I asked myself the other day, if there was such thing as a normal family? You know, no wars, no conflicting parties, no sides to chose, no family demons to fight, no dark secrets to hide… is there such a thing as a normal family? Normal in the way I would like to raise my children – two parent household, run by a partnership, a union of two people who share a vision, whose individual missions merge, a home of love, care, nurturing, peace –inner peace.
The problem with broken homes is that EVERYONE is broken… the parents, the children, the environment; it breeds brokenness. And broken people cannot come together until they mend themselves. Broken people have to be a whole piece to slot into the puzzle that makes up a family. Broken people until they mend themselves can only do and experience more breaking. Broken people until they mend themselves can only think for themselves. Brokenness encourages brokenness. Brokenness encourages selfish thinking. Brokenness creates pain – for everyone. Brokenness if not tamed is a vicious cycle… it is a contagious energy… it is a toxic way of living.
And brokenness easily becomes a habit; a monster in fact. Taking you 100 steps backward, when you’ve actually made good progress. I think of my children and what I want for them… and I certainly know it’s not any of this brokenness. Much as I have invested in mending myself… I am reminded almost daily by the broken environment I live in, the broken loved ones around me. I am reminded daily that I cannot fix everyone’s brokenness. And so I start to obsess on trying to anyway… and I’m tired. I am really tired…
I just really want for certain people in my life to wake up one day and realize just how broken they are, just how broken we all are and work at individually mending ourselves and hopefully one day, piece our puzzle together.
People make it seem like life is simple and normal for all of us… Truth is, it’s NOT. What’s really difficult is that with all this shit going on, you still have to deal with real life – go to work/school, have relationships, maintain friendships, it’s hard. Normalcy is subjective. My normal is being broken. And my prayer is that all the people involved in my brokenness (myself included) find the strength, the courage, the power in themselves to live a new life of MENDING, of WHOLENESS, of INNER PEACE.
I am broken. But I am hopeful.